Tuesday, February 28, 2012


I was surprised how quickly I heard from people after temporarily closing down my blog.  It was a good reminder that it this blog matters and that it needs to be written.   I can only write this blog from a place of raw honesty and truth, and there are some weeks where I don't feel strong enough to be that vulnerable.  Times when I feel like I need to hole up and hide and rest and recuperate.  Because regardless of the positive readers, this blog still faces constant and ongoing criticism, and I need to feel strong enough to survive the verbal barbs.  So know that if I'm not posting, it's most likely because I'm feeling like I can't. 

When Whitney Houston died, the story of her death became the public's reaction to her death - mockery versus grief.  Whitney was someone who was graced with unearthly gifts,  but once she appeared on her own reality television show she demonstrated human weakness and we saw her future tragedies unfolding. We saw her fall from grace, a perfect woman gifted with 'everything' who later 'squandered' her gifts and paid the ultimate price, while we rejoiced in glee. 
There is a German word "Schadenfreude" that summarizes our society today - We derive pleasure from the misfortune of others.  And the bigger they are, the bigger we love to watch them fall, right?  Whitney? Britney? Lindsey? Charlie?  We are a nation full of rubberneckers, enjoying the misfortune of others because it somehow reassures US that WE must be OK - we're not that bad - crack is WHACK, right Bobby?  I ain't never done crack, I guess I ain't that bad! False ways of reassuring ourselves it can't happen to US, we'll be juusssst fiiiiine.  And what no one seems to remember is that 'there but for the grace of God go I..."  (Catholic education not a complete waste).  It will never happen to you?  Hmmm.

And MAN, at least your kids are OK, right? Healthy? Thank god you're not me! But it's fun to watch, right?  AT LEAST I'M NOT HER!  I think it's CRAZY that I could actually have people hate/jealous/schadenfreuding me these days, but I guess I'm a woman with an opinion and I suppose that's intimidating? Annoying? Whiny?  I'm not sure.  Because I'm hot? That makes more sense.

Celebrities, artists, musicians, writers, et al. put themselves in the spotlight to be judged.  Many artists put their souls on the sheet, to the music, to the crowds, and await reactions.  Holy exposure.  But it's to be expected, right? Art is a sacrifice of oneself.  Laying your body on the  cutting board to be sniffed, poked, cut up and dissected.  It's always easier to judge others than to risk putting your own opinions out there.  I always prefer the souls with big hearts, big mouths and big voices.

It's easy for someone to say my blog title angers THEM, and I ALWAYS want to ask "Excuse me, do you correct EVERYONE you encounter that uses the 'r-word' in a conversation with you? Because if you do, you are welcome to criticize me.  If not, then shut the fuck up."   Don't bitch about, DO something about it.  Or not, just sit back and judge and criticize and keep safe in your own world of no risks.

For me? I guess I can retreat, but I'll never give in.  There will be weeks I just can't write here.  I DO get tired of fighting all the time, for my happiness, my future, my sanity, but that doesn't mean I'll give up the fight -  I promise I will not stop fighting, and I won't stop writing this blog. 


  1. Your happiness and writing this blog should not be mutually exclusive. Is there someone you trust that is removed from Fragile X that you could make an author of the blog. They could read and approve the appropriate comments and delete the inappropriate comments so you dont aee them. You shouldnt have to put all tour emotipns out there an then be socked in the stomach as well

  2. This post makes my heart hurt. People are just cruel. Whenever someone is mean to me - as much as it hurts, I try to remember that people are mean when THEY are hurting. It still sucks, but I try to tell myself it's not me - or it is a combination of that person AND me. Unfortunately when you put your life out there publicly you risk just getting the people that are sitting at home, angry and looking for someone to vent. Just try to remind yourself that you are HELPING a lot of people and HURTING no one!


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