Thursday, February 14, 2013

Heart's Content - This is a New Year.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  It's a day that strikes both fear and expectations into the heart of many, whether you have a Valentine, want a Valentine, want to stab an ex-Valentine, or are greatly dreading buying for your Valentine. Or, as my friend Delia said succintly on her Facebook status today  "Please do not hold back on posting pictures of flowers/chocolates received today as dateless fucks such as myself seriously cannot get enough of them xoxo."  

After a busy and insane week, I now lazily in bed, drinking coffee, websurfing, twittering, facebooking and OD'ing on social networking, and I feel content.  Happy even.  It was a slightly over a year ago when I published the blog "Happiness" - which to date has been my most popular blog EVER.  E-V-E-R!!!!  In it I wrote "I have to work this whole 'happiness' thing - can't wait for the damn bluebird, have to hunt the thing down and capture it.  I have to make a conscious effort to make decisions that will make me happy."  (Isn't it totally pretentious to quote one's self? I'm such a douche.)   Then I proceeded to go through 6 of the hardest months of my life while making those decisions.  

I chased down the fucking bluebird of happiness, though the route took me straight through zip-a-dee-do-da hell.  Those things don't fly straight paths, ya know! And now, one year later, having come emerged to other side....Whew. Sigh. Relief.  BLOOM!  I think of the many people who supported me, loved me and encouraged me through it all...and how LUCKY I was to have such a great support system.  I still truly feel so very, very lucky and blessed for the great peeps in my life.  And now, this next month, a repeat to last year's - a month that looks much the same yet life is so very different.  

Another - our 2nd annual! - Fragile X Moms' Weekend Away this weekend! It's gonna be EPIC!!! I'm SOOOO looking forward to it -  and we are no longer "Seven Strangers", but 7 (8, 9, 10 and counting, as our group continues to grow) FRIENDS.  Close friends who communicate and support each other daily - crying together, confiding in each other, giving each other shit.   In the past year, we have continued our FXMNO (Fragile X Moms' Night Out, for those slackers who don't keep up with my blog) punctuated by more get-togethers, and as the onion layers of our personalities peel back, we have continued to get to know each other.  It has been truly awesome to have these ladies become such a huge part of my life.  They're my soul sisters. 

And in a few more weeks, I'll be heading back down to Washington DC for Advocacy Day.  I suppose it's 'my' 2nd annual AD!  Getting to see all my beloved 'national'  friends, I'll also be getting the chance to meet all my 'new' virtual friends, and I'm sure I will get a chance to expand my ever-growing "Fragile X Family" with more strangers who will become family.  

Advocacy Day was one of the best things I did for MYSELF last year.  Did I originally do it for Owen? Yes.  But it became the highlight and a significant turning point of last year.  While I was there, I realized I was capable, likable, accepted and that I was NOT alone.  That the tentacles of Fragile X spread throughout the state and throughout the country.  I had felt alone and isolated in my grief and sadness, feeling 'that no one would ever understand,' and always feeling worthless.  Now, I am never alone, even in physical solitude, and I realize I AM pretty fucking awesome.    

So I lay here, having no idea what the future will bring.  Having no 'great life plan' other than getting to summer, wearing bare feet and sundresses.  (Oh, and also that whole "changing the world" thing too.  But I do that daily.)   For now, I'm just looking forward to spending time with the people who I love, and who love me.

I'm content in my 'now' - and I'm HAPPY in my now.  I don't need all the answers -  I don't need ANY answers - because life does not come with written guarantees.   This moment - this moment right HERE - is a great one.  

I finally followed my gut and somehow became the person I always wanted to be- strong, independent, shameless, lovable, brutally honest and competent.  My path will not always be easy, and the not-so-distant past was suck-ass, but as Emerson said "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." 

I saw this song on "Glee" a few weeks ago - and it spoke to me.  Watch it. Now.  

I will give the world to them.  

Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorrow
Embrace the past and you can live for now

And I will give the world to you

Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground

And I will give the world to you

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
'Cause in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for

And I would give the world to you

A million suns that shine upon me
A million eyes you are the brightest blue
Let's tear the walls down that divide us
And build a statue strong enough for two

And pass it back to you
And I will wait for you

'Cause I would give the world
And I would give the world
And I would give the world to you

This is a New Year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest

We are the voices
This is a New Year
We are the voices
This is a New Year

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